Just a Smile

I awoke remembering tomorrow would be my last day at this project and that it would also be the anniversary of my father's birth -- the 17th of October.  He's been gone a long time now, but not so long that the surprising pain of sudden grief has left me.

I readied for the day and rushed out into the world heading for the bus stop three stops away so I would walk a bit.  When the bus arrived I greeted the always silent driver.  Surly faces were in each row as I searched for a good place to sit, which for me meant somewhere near a door.

Trying to avoid eye contact with all as I wended my way further into the vehicle until a pair of eyes seemed to call to mine.  A little smile. 

I chose to set next to "just a little smile."  

As I settled into my seat, "just a little smile" greeted me with a hello in a tongue that seemed not as confident in English.  I tried to imagine his native land and language, but gave up almost immediately and mimicked his hello before going silent.

The fear of strangers now so ingrained took my imagination away briefly to consider, that as wrong as it was to racial profile, his olive skin, dark hair and features seemed Middle Eastern.  I wondered for a split second how it would be if I saw that he had a bomb strapped to his body or a gun in his pocket.  A little shake to my head dispelled the momentary silliness, as the music from my iPod pulled me back to reality.

I smiled that "you're a stranger to me" smile and searched for my Kindle, as he rifled through his worn, olive-drab gym bag.  He fished out a newspaper and began to read.  I smiled as I sneaked a peek at him, noticing the childlike halting way he read the headlines, using his index finger to slowly point to each word as he read.

The bus rocked rhythmically and the passengers now seemed to have entered that warm drone-like state, hunched over their cell phones as we moved onto the highway that would lead us to the Harbour Bridge. 

I politely continued reading.  Still I wanted somehow to reach out to this "smiling stranger" who had risked so much with that smile and his hello.  But there was so little time left of the journey and tomorrow he would just be a fading memory.

As I watched him out of the corner of my eye, it happened.

It was clear, as we had the first sight of the famous Coat-hanger Bridge, that he had never been across it before!  He gasped and nearly pressed his face to the window, like a child at Christmas wanting to see the sled fly!

It was just the opening I needed.

"It is such an amazing Bridge, isn't it?  Have you been in Australia long?"  Both questions completely safe.

And that was all he needed. 

His smile intensified and there was the fresh breeze of relief flowing over his face.

"I've just arrived from Italy.  Well actually on the fifth of October."

Then he spoke as if he longed to hear his voice practicing new and unfamiliar words.  He spoke of the day, the Bridge, the weather, even the bus.  His English was basic, but delightful for the joy on his face as he "connected" each word in an actual conversation.

I asked what brought him to Sydney.

Again eagerness and delight flooded his face.  He announced he was a bartender (as if he was sharing that he was a prince in disguise).  He had come to Sydney for a job.  I wondered if he was some master of mixology,  I had never considered it a visa-granting type of profession.  But I wouldn't know how to mix a drink, so perhaps it is a special skill.

It was while he spoke I took time to look at him for the first time.  Thin, he was far too thin, yet it was his face that captivated me.  I had politely averted my eyes from his face in some perfectly natural way of self-defense that I had chosen not to see it. 

This face told me a sad, almost pitiful story that was beyond explanation or reason.  Pock-marked and with horrible scars, as if someone had reached across some far away bar, late one night; and with a broken glass, dripping of some antiseptic liquor, they had ground it deeply into the middle of his face, then twisted it to disfigure him as much as possible.

My heart hurt as I tried not to imagine the blood and the pain, the fear and resulting rehabilitation...the deep loneliness from the isolation that brutality brings with it.  And then the sheer realisation of his abject ugliness.

Yet, here he was, smiling his crooked smile, that he knew was crooked and still smiled.  I reached out my hand and touched his forearm, not in pity but in respect or awe as he continued to regale me on the beauty of the day, his grand adventure, the magnificence of the Bridge and his forthcoming resettling into Sydney.

It dawned on me through the fog of my admiration for this heroic man that the bus was nearing the city.  I looked to him with a love not mine and wished him all the best.  I handed him my business card and urged him to send me an email or to call.

The bus lurched to a halt and as I gathered my things and moved through to the door, I looked back returning his kindness with my best smile.

I sincerely hoped he would contact me.  I stepped off the bus and couldn't resist looking back one more time to see which direction his journey would take him, but he had blended into the pushy crowd and already disappeared.

I crossed the street as always and just stopped.  I was deeply affected by the optimism of this man.  And there he stood, on the opposite corner of the street.  He looked profoundly lost.  I wondered if I should offer more help, when he crossed over when the light changed and asked to buy me breakfast.  A Starbucks loomed right behind me.  It was so tempting, had an early meeting.

I thanked him, wished him well, encouraged him again to contact me.  He said good bye and that today he was to start his English as a second language course and hoped to see me again. 

I never saw him again, but will never be able to forget him and his smile.

story of Dad's chair

Pop was buried over six years ago. I found myself in his woods one more time. The house where we had all grown up was now just rubble and the overgrown remnants of the basement. I searched for the chair and smiled as I saw it in the clearing.

I remember the day my brother and I took possession of the green Naugahyde recliner. It had been his throne for three quarters of his last years.

We were so miserable on that day. We cried a lot - I suppose it was a kind of catharsis -- as we struggled to drag it out of the living room where it had stood for all our shared memories.

We pulled the heavy, awkward thing out the back door trying to keep our fingers from being pinched by all the folding parts of the recliner.

We pulled it down the four rickety steps of the back porch.

We pulled it slowly, as if to the dirge playing within our hearts through the back yard until we located his favourite spot in the woods behind our house.

When he could breathe enough to walk this was where he would come. We installed the chair beside the huge, old hickory nut tree where he had taught us the names of the brightly coloured birds who sang so mysteriously, hidden in the trees above.

Then my brother and I took turns ceremoniously sitting in and christening this quiet, bittersweet spot in his memory. We stood together, holding hands and called out to the birds and trees to cover it with their everlasting love....

Trust and Respect

As a leader, being trusted and trusting others is a critical part of your everyday adventure, in and out of business.  Trust lets us feel safe and valued, warm and respected.  And being trusted builds loyalty.

In Naked Truth, one of my life mentors, Fabian Dattner says:  “Trust honours us and the contribution we make.  Trust in us causes us to trust in turn.  It brings out our best characteristics.  

People who are trusted accept personal responsibility with dignity and commitment.  There is no better way to build business than to have responsible people, trusting one another enough to share information, communicate effectively and to do so with respect for the whole -- and not only the part over which they hold dominion.”

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to use words with little attention to what they actually were intended to mean?  We all do it and as a writer one of my challenges is to consider my words carefully and KNOW their meaning before I throw them into a sentence!

Respect

Respect is one of those words that’s easy to say and slip into conversation, but a look at the word and its origins may inspire and convict us of how significant using this word is:

·         The word comes from the Latin word "respicere", "respectum".  It means to look back at, to pay attention to or to consider. 

·         We express respect when we admire someone and have a good opinion of them or honour someone who’s well thought of.

·         We pay attention to someone we respect and care about what they’re feeling as much as what they’re saying. 

·         Respecting someone is more than being polite, it’s to hold them in esteem and honour because of their consistency over time of their actions and words, especially as we compare them with others. 

·         We consider their contribution and appreciate them because of their wisdom, for example an elder. 

·         We can respect another when we disagree with them, but still hold them in high regard. 

Respect, however is not an automatic response.  It’s something that comes when you make a personal, heart-based commitment to respect and take others seriously someone who earns your respect.  

As you grow older you realise, sometimes with surprise, that you don’t have all the answers; that each person around you has potential gifts and strengths and interests that can bolster your own learnings and understandings. 

This takes humility and it takes extra effort to integrate someone who has differences into the work of your organisation when it’s easier to eliminate or side-line them. 

In leadership building workshops I facilitate using the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, there are three ultimate goals: 

1.    To help the participants have higher respect for themselves

2.    To have higher respect for their group as a whole organism

3.    To have respect for the team dynamics in making decisions. 

We create an overall chart of participants and plot all of them on a ‘group overview”.  This allows everyone to see the potential strengths and flow of the participants as they work together, including the leader. 

What we know conclusively is a group made up of individuals who are basically the same will seem dynamic and healthy because they get to decisions easily and quickly.  

Yet their decisions and directions will not be as safe and wise as teams where diversity in the group tests the viability, strength and conviction of the decisions.  Relying on each other requires respect.

Listening

Fear and communication are inexorably linked in every person we deal with.  When effective and well timed communication is missing, there’s always fear.  Where you see fear in a group you know it’s from lack of communication (or of course abuse).  

Yet, communication is not what we say, write or do, it is in the response we get.  Therefore, we must watch and listen!

As we listen, we learn and from learning about someone else’s thoughts, we can better appreciate how to take them seriously and benefit from their insights.  This builds respect.  Getting people to trust you as a leader in your organisation begins with you listening. 

As you take time to listen to the observations of your group, you encourage them to feel confident to share more of what they see within the organisation.  Many organisations, with wise leaders, who listen to their staff members, soar ahead with profits.

Trust springs from a serious pursuit by both leaders and followers of at least seven essential beliefs and initiatives.  Next time we’ll look at “Integrity to Fidelity”.  

Allies from Adversaries

"Keep your friends close and your adversaries and enemies even closer."  Good advice, but better advice is to turn those who are your adversaries into allies -- help them to help achieve your goals. 

How you ask?  It's enough to feel powerless against someone who takes credit for what you've done or who undermines the achievements of others.  You can't ignore them so how can you win them to your side?  Here are some ideas I've found helpful in these situations:

1. Reason - sometimes it's easy to forget how damaging not working together is.  If we don't cooperate with others, we lose opportunities to learn and achieve. 

Start the process of turning "adversaries" into allies by reasoning with them.  Help them consider how working against someone means everyone loses time and experience, as well as resources (people and money).  

Help the other person see the many benefits of cooperating.

2. Reciprocate - this is the "give and take" part of life.  Sometimes we all must be willing to give something up that's of value to your rival.  Perhaps they need your help or expertise with something they're working on or they need some information you can easily get for them. 

People are aware it's a give and take world.  On your part, it means paying attention and noting what an "adversary" may need and benefit from that you are able to easily supply.

3. Redirect - if you've ever watched children and parents, you can see how they use the simple act of redirecting the child's energy, emotions or desires with the art of distracting them to enjoy something else.  This works with grownups too. 

Make an effort to divert your "adversary's" negative emotions or thinking away from you and focuse them instead on the problem at hand.  You can also accomplish this by bringing up something you both share in common or enjoy -- a shared straw man can serve you well -- something you and your "adversary" both want to fix or change.

Whatever happens guard your own emotions and don't let an "adversary's"  negativity damage your attitude.  It takes time and self-discipline to turn "adversaries" into allies, so watch, listen and use these opportunities to grow.

The 5 Essential Leadership Qualities

Good leaders move us from what we know and feel comfortable with to an unknown place.  

This means change and change is almost always unsettling.

As a leader entrusted with the responsibility of helping others through change, it is important for you to always learn from your experiences. In this way you're better able to show others how to get from where they are to where they need to be.

Here are the five essential qualities it takes:

1. VISION - the ability to identify a "point on the horizon" and to plot out a general direction that moves others toward the vision.  No leader sees every step of the journey, but once you have the vision clear in your mind's eye, it helps you see potential obstacles and solutions to overcome them.

2. CONVICTION - Passion or whatever emotional word you use to describe it is the driving belief in the value of something.  It causes you to focus relentlessly on the vision and eliminate distractions.  This belief must be internal, unwavering, undaunted, authentic and visible in demonstrated enthusiasm.  If it's not, those who follow will hesitate, misstep or stray away.

3. EMPATHY - Empathy is a skill most need to strengthen.  Leaders help navigate to a vision through change.  Change is accompanied by resistance and fear.  The best leaders identify with the emotions of those they lead so they can lead with compassion.

4. COURAGE - is mandatory to pursue a vision.  To encourage others to trust you and also be courageous beside you, takes skills in listening, communicating, motivating, team building, conflict resolution and many other soft skills (as well as empathy and conviction).

5. AUTHENTICITY - This quality should appear in the list both first and last.  Being self aware is the internalisation of empathy and vision.  Understanding why you behave as you do will unlock the secret to being authentic.  This is the foundation upon which others will build their trust.  In the end trust is the only real commodity you have to trade with.

Just having these five qualities is not enough.  However, if these five are lacking you will not be an effective leader.

Consider taking inventory today and pick one of these five that you believe you can do better with and set a goal to strengthen it.  Once you feel it's strong, consider the other qualities one at a time until you have transformed your leadership power.

3 Dangers for High Achievers

We aim to be high achievers and it can be rewarding once you arrive.  However, many smart, ambitious professionals are not satisfied once they climb up the ladder. 

Why?  Because the very traits that propel you up the ladder of success, are also behaviours that can get in your way as you climb and once you arrive. 

They are double-edged traits of high-achievers:

1. Guilt - Guilt often motivates achievers to produce more and more, yet this very trait does not allow them to enjoy their achievements.  They come to believe that no matter how much they accomplish they still must do more.  They feel they aren't doing enough, no matter how high the praise or accolades or awards. 

Set realistic goals and learn the joy of a job well done!

2. Drive - High-achievers can get completely caught up in the tasks they're focused upon.  The focus can be so sharp they fail to be transparent with colleagues and are reluctant to help others along on the journey. 

Collaboration is best...it's better to share than be alone.

3. Needing Positive Feedback - High-achievers truly care about what others think.  They can be obsessed about other's opinions and need them to be positive and appreciative.  They hate criticism and can over react. 

Be sure you take any opportunity to learn from constructive criticism.  Never let someone's counter opinion or idea put you off your game.

9 Questions About You and Burnout

Have you ever wondered if you are heading for job burnout?  Well here are nine questions to help you identify the warning signs:

1. Have you become cynical or over critical at work?
2. Are you troubled by unexplained headaches, backaches or other physical complaints regularly?
3. Have you become irritable or impatient with co-workers, customers or clients?
4. Are you missing the satisfaction from your achievements?
5. Do you drag yourself to work each day and have trouble getting started once you arrive?
6. Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or simply not to feel?
7. Do you feel disillusioned about your job?
8. Have your sleep habits or appetite changed?
9. Do you lack the energy to be consistently productive?

Job burnout is a real condition that comes with a host of physical and emotional symptoms.  It is important that you understand that the key to protecting yourself is being able to recognise the symptoms and diagnosing them well.

Only then can you take the necessary steps to cure it and prevent its return.  The Mayo Clinic has a special site for you to explore burnout, how it affects you physically and how to cure it.